Tears in Tulum

Landing

In Cuba, I barely lifted a finger. Everything was taken care of and it felt like a much needed vacation. Tulum meant an end to all comfort and the beginning of a long hard road ahead with no relief in sight. I was exhausted the minute my plane landed in Cancun.

day 1

I woke up, climbed down from the top bunk, showered and got food. After breakfast, while I sat in the lobby/common area, I felt them coming. After years of holding back my tears, believing they were useless and didn’t help or solve anything, they did what I trained them to do, they sat unmoving in my throat. Little by little, I coaxed them out with the truth of my situation. I was tired of moving from place to place. Tired of loneliness and decision making. Tired of stinking, sweating, ever shrinking personal space, mosquito bites & useless repellent, hostels, clogged showers and the fucking top bunk. I missed the simpIe comforts of home but I didn’t want to go back to the States. My Hostel was gross and I couldn’t bear to think of a future with more of the same. I let my tears know it was safe to come out, no matter how many people were around to whiteness and finally they came, one by one but not nearly enough.

Making Space

Turns out, tears DO help. They are not useless. They helped me let go of built up frustration, stress and travel fatigue, which felt good. Tired, worn out and not sleeping well, my desire to explore was gone. If my bed had been comfortable I might have stayed in it. Instead, my tears cleared space for an idea that felt perfect. Solutions to all my problems would be found after a good massage.

Exploring Cost

Tears came two or three more times before my massage, including crying myself to sleep and a near meltdown when I got lost looking for the massage spot. After Carlos worked his magic, things began to look and feel better. I enjoyed a full day exploring Tulum by bike and realized that cheap hostels were costing me too much. Energy is required to continue safely on this journey and I need to stay in places that recharge instead of drain me.

Fear of Spending

Here I am again, confronted with one of the most resilient skeletons in my closet. My limiting beliefs about and damaged relationship with money. I believe that money equals safety and the more money I spend, the less safe I am. Vibrating just beneath my surface at all times, my spending alarm BLASTED (see iPhone, old car horn) when I withdrew a large sum of cash for my Cuban Adventure. This action felt scary and unsafe but I knew it was just the beginning of something much bigger and my decision to stop using cheap accommodations was a confirmation there was work ahead.

Attainable Healing

I knew long before it began that this journey would change me and that thought excited me. Now, in the midst of changing, the excitement has dulled with the routine of daily practice. I’ve spent a great deal of time working on my beliefs about myself & money since Tulum and I think my effort it’s paying off, pun intended 😁. This post comes after 5-days of “no alarm” spending in Belize, considered the #2 most expensive country in Central America, with Costa Rica coming in at #1. My spending fears and money beliefs are tied other belief baggage I have about being unworthy and not enough, so there’s much more work to be done, but I’m feeling optimism, like healing is actually attainable. It’s not the first time I’ve tried fixing my relationship with money but this feeling is new, something I was missing both times I read Your Are A Badass At Making Money with my family. 

Resources for You

These books have made a MAJOR contribution to my life and feelings of optimism in the last two months. 

*The Illusion of Money: Why Chasing Money is Stopping You From Receiving It by Kyle Cease
• E-book, LA Public Library

Happy Money: The Japanese Art of Making Peace with Your Money by Ken Honda
• Audio Book, also available as an E-book from LA Public Library

Seth Speaks: The Eternal Validity of The Soul by Jane Roberts
• Audio Book, also available on YouTube

It’s Not Your Money: How to Live Fully From Divine Abundance by Tosha Silver
• E-book, LA Public Library

Outrageous Openness: Letting the Divine Take the Lead by Tosha Silver
• E-book, LA Public Library